Weird title, I know… but hear me out.
Lately something has been keeping me up at night. I was letting my mind wander reading some random stuff when it hit me again.
Those of you that know me well won’t even know this, but I have a deep intense fear of eternity. The actual scientific name is Apeirophobia, but let me explain how it affected me.
It started when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I remember waking up in my bedroom in the middle of the night. It would be able 3am in the morning. We lived in a pretty creepy house. It was big and there was a lot of noise, yet I still felt alone. I had recently moved to a room away from my sister. That, coupled with the fact that I’d just gone through something pretty traumatic (a car accident) was perhaps the precursor to what transpired.
Anyway, as I would lay there, awake, alone, I would feel this sudden fear come upon me. It was the fear of death. I didn’t want to die. Well, no one really wants to die. But the more I would think about the concept of death, the more it became apparent that death wasn’t actually the thing I feared – it was the aftermath of eternal nature of death.
I remember explaining my fear to some friends and family. “But when you die, you’ll go to heaven for all of eternity. You’ll live in happiness and love forever, and ever, and ever…” This did nothing to settle the fear inside me. It only made it worse. It pointed towards the very thing I was most afraid of, that no matter what the outcome, no matter what happens after life, it is forever.
This would lead to me hyperventilating and screaming into my pillow. It had to be dark for this to happen. And you know what, the fear hasn’t subsided. To this day, I still suffer occasional panic attack at nighttime when my mind wanders to the concept of eternity. The only thing that differs now is that I’m not scared of dying, I’m more scared of the fact that we are living in eternity. We don’t have to die to experience it, we’re already there. We’re stuck in a loop.
I don’t know what happens next, but I’m damn terrified to figure it out.